After being broke

I can't stand not having a job at this point. I love my embroidery and needlework, but I need to be making some sort of contribution other than housekeeping if only because the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc goes largely unnoticed. I feel like crawling out of my skin sometimes! Friday was Dave's last day of school; he has almost an entire month off! Now I know I have to somewhat pace myself when it comes to wanting to spend time with him. He's very touchy lately and seems to play along only begrudgingly. He is sure, naturally, to let me know what a great sacrifice he's making by going grocery shopping with me even though I didn't ask him to go. I thought I was supposed to be the passive aggressive one in this relationship. I hope I'm not rubbing off on him in that way! I wish I could figure out this whole marriage thing...

really now

Housewarming party this Sunday! Who's freaking out about all the cleaning? Because it's an open house, I'm not sure how much cooking I'll be doing; I believe some sort of antipasto setup will be lovely though. Dave has a huge midterm on Friday, so he's not much help around the house, which I mostly understand. It's his very first PhD test, so he's bound to be nervous. I still haven't found a job, although I haven't been trying uber hard. I always seem to be behind in one thing or another, and playing this game of constant catch-up is making me pooped!

real life

I need to write a resume. I always feel paralized when it comes to these things. Not that I haven't written a million already, but it's just difficult for me. I'm certain a large part of it has to do with the feeling that if I don't actually try then I can't fail, can't be rejected from a crappy job that I'm way over-qualified for anyway. Healthy and lofty ambitions, huh?

I need a postmaster taskmaster

I'm so bad about getting things done! Haven't posted for over a month, but at least I have the moving excuse to fall back on for that. I have twenty days to get the house totally in shape for our housewarming party, which seriously scares me because there is still painting to be done on top of finding places for the various accumulations of stuff throughout the house. We've all been a bit under the weather lately so last weekend was a bust as far as getting things done was concerned, so now I watch the days go by, being overwhelmed by their passing and my lack of oomph needed to get much done. All I want to do is sit and cross stitch! This is the obsession du jour, and I'm in L-O-V-E! It's so soothing and delightful. Everyone's christmas presents are either cross stitched or embroidered this year, thereby taking a stand against vapid consumerism, putting my craftiness to good use, AND giving people gifts they'll cherish! Three in one KAPOW!

We found Smokey a home!!

We did! My 15 year-old brother in law has been begging his mom for a cat ever since he's spent time with our little boys. She decided that, with some guidelines set in place, that they would adopt Smokey and be a two pet family (they have a cockapoo named Catherine, a real sweetheart). So my little cuddle-poo skinny mini has a loving family who will put some meat on his bones and give him boundless love! I am so glad everything worked out. This made me want even more to volunteer with this organization that helps place special needs pets. Like my aids kitty, Casey, these animals offer so much love and affection and are so thankful for everything they get in return. He's been such a good lover; I'm grateful that I did my own research about feline AIDS and took him in. He and our first cat, Sid, are the very best of friends now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just basking in the glory of all this cat love today!!!

Sleep

I'm exhausted from this past week, but our temporary foster kitty Smoky likes to roam around the house at night bellowing and crying. He's got quite a set of pipes! Granted, he's been an outdoor-mostly cat for some time now, so it's a huge adjustment for him to not be let out. He's also in a totally new environment with two dogs. He and the dogs are getting along fine, though, which is surprising considering how neurotic Puppy and Fergus are (they fit in with my family so well!). Smokey loves to curl up with us under the blanket, it's just a matter of him getting there. If only he'd sleep just long enough for me to drift off. I just can't sleep with one of my boys crying!

It's Up To You

I really want a Pin-Up girl tattoo on my side, something focusing on the beauty of the female form and the vintage goodness that I hold so dear. Mmmm...thigh high nylons and garter belts! Maybe something kitchen-themed to celebrate my love of baking!

Being a wife

It's a challenge when it feels as if there is always something that takes precedence over me and over our relationship. It's a challenge to keep my neediness in check. It's a challenge accepting that, though in mind I am the top priority (and I truly believe in his mind I am), in action and daily life I fall behind. It's a challenge knowing there will rarely (never say never) be times when he says, 'let's skip work today and spend the whole day making love...' or 'let's run off for the weekend, leave the world behind for a few days'...It's a challenge not to sound like I'm having a pity party, and not to feel like it either (I'm not). It's a challenge being a wife.

Homeless

Home is where the heart is. Except our hearts are in between right now. As much as I hate Champaign, the house we've rented for the past year was our first home. He carried me over the threshold. It's Sid and Casey's first home, the home we got them to love each other in and where they became best friends. The home where we celebrated our first anniversary and where we first set up house. So I'm finding myself missing it more than I thought I would.

However, I'm thrilled at the prospect of owning our first home. The condo is gorgeous in so many ways, and it's in my city, surrounded by friends and family, buildings taller than four stories, and NPR programs other than "The Farm Report" and "Corn Futures." We're owners!! Well, we will be starting on the 15th...

This space in the middle is the hard part. Knowing that all of our possessions are piled in an enormous U-Haul with only a padlock securing he stuff from the rest of the world. Living in a hotel is just icky, with the questionable sheets and lack of personality. The worst is that we have to spend time apart, which is still a frowney face experience. Spending time apart from the boys (feline, not human) isn't enjoyable either. But we're almost in the clear, so I just have to keep my chin up!

ahhh, Catholics!

I find the whole concept of natural family planning stifling at best, and it is fascinating to read about all the support this method has from all the catholic bloggers out there. (note- I don't have anything against this method if it's what you believe is right for you. I'm not a hater!!) Not that I identify myself as Catholic, but I was raised Catholic and my mom is extremely devout. I find lots of topics too uncomfortable to discuss with her, but the idea of sex is particularly cringe-worthy. Not that we ever bring it up. A few months ago, however, she mentioned to me this 'great' article or something on abstinence and how 'powerful' the article was. I had been married for nearly a year at this point, and was left feeling confused and uncomfortable after this phone call. Did she think I wouldn't be having sex? Shouldn't be having sex? My parents always told me sex before marriage was a sin, and even made me become a 'born-again virgin" at age sixteen when they found out I had sex. That is a story for a different day, though...back to the whole natural family planning (nfp) thing, it seems to me that since my husband and I do not plan on having children then we should remain abstinent, since sex is for procreation, and even using the nfp method is only meant to delay the childbearing process rather than to prevent it altogether. Is this what my mother wants for me? I have so many mother issues, but this one, misunderstanding or not, takes the cake. Not that I care what my mother thinks of my sex life or anything, it's really just a curiosity for me at this point. I can talk anyone else's ear off about sex and my views on it and it's importance in society and yada yada, but not my parents, especially my mom. I know this is normal, but I think our mutual discomfort with the topic as a whole is several degrees above normal. I wish we were comfortable enough with the subject to talk to each other openly about it, but I don't see that happening any time soon. So I'll just have to be content with academic musings!

Experiment #1

So I tried the recipe below from Chow.com. The cookies were delicious, but rather puffy. I guess I was looking for a thin but chewy cookie, so he consistency was a bit lacking, if only for this purpose. The cream filling was, however, an adventure in arithmetic. As in addition after addition. It may have been partly my fault as I left the egg white/sugar mixture in the double boiler for a bit more time than called for, but nevertheless, the cream was a runny mess...i had to add a LOT more powdered sugar to get it to hold even the remotest shape. I had to put the cream pies in the freezer immediately after piping the filling, as the cookies just refused to stay on top of each other. I will try the other filling recipe next and see if this holds up better. I wonder what I need to do to get my cookies to not be so puffy...

Oh I found my soulmate website!

So in my previous post I came across a website called Chow.com, and as I delved deeper into this foodtopia, I found out that they have a whole section on homemade versions of cellophane wrapped goodies!! so not only do I have the recipe for oatmeal cream pies, but I have a host of other delicious recipes to try. I'll keep a record of how the recipes turn out, once I get to making them, that is.

http://www.chow.com/stories/10094

Oatmeal Cream Pies

I bought a big box of the Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie cookies on an impulse yesterday, and am so delighted I did. Still, I got to thinking that I could probably make a batch of these that would be even more delectable. I have this obsession with renewing old-fashioned desserts and recreating 'classic' desserts that everyone (but me!) got in their lunch boxes as kids. Like oatmeal cream pies! and Ho Ho's! and Suzy Q's, etc. At the natural bakery where I work, we make a lot of vegan recipes, and one of the best is our vegan Suzy Q cake. It's PHENOMENAL! I'll post the recipe here eventually...So anyway, I'm currently searching for the perfect oatmeal cream pie recipe. I'm cataloging them here so I won't lose them and can try them all.

Recipe one, from someone's blog: http://einphilly.blogspot.com/2006/11/oatmeal-cream-pies.html
(this blog has some very cool recipes, btw)

For the Oatmeal Cookies:
Ingredients
2 sticks of butter*, softened to room temperature
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup light brown sugar
1 large egg
1 tablespoon whole milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups oatmeal**
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

* Chow.com called for 1.5 sticks of butter, and I upped it to 2 sticks for a crisper cookie.
** Chow.com called for pulverized oatmeal, but I don't own a food processor, so I used rolled oats and I liked them a little chunkier.

Cream the butter and sugars together until light and the mixture comes together, about 5 minutes. Add the egg,milk and vanilla, and beat until smooth.
In a separate bowl, whisk together all the remaining ingredients. Add to the butter mixture and stir by hand until dough comes together (it should be well incorporated but not overly mixed). Place dough in the refrigerator to chill for at least 1 hour.

Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls, about 2 inches apart, onto a baking sheet lined with parchment or a Silpat. Bake at 375°F until golden brown but soft in the center, about 10 minutes. Remove to a wire rack to cool completely.

Vanilla Filling:
Cream 1/2 white vegetable shortening with 1.5 cups of marshmallow cream and 2 cups of powdered sugar and 1 tsp of vanilla. If it's too stiff, add milk a teaspoon at a time until spreadable, but not runny.

Once cookies have cooled completely, match them in pairs and fill with a big tablespoon of the filling. Continue this process with the remaining cookies.


Recipe 2, from Chow.com

By Adrienne Handler

Total Time: 15 mins

Active Time: 15 mins

Makes: About 2 cups (enough to fill one snackie cake recipe)

Ingredients

• 1 vanilla bean (or 1 teaspoon vanilla extract)
• 4 ounces mascarpone cheese or cream cheese, at room temperature
• 3 large egg whites
• 2/3 cup granulated sugar

Instructions

1. Cut the vanilla bean (if using) in half lengthwise, exposing the seeds. With the back of a knife, scrape out seeds and add to cheese. Mix until cheese is soft and vanilla is blended; reserve. (The rest of the vanilla bean can be saved for another use.)
2. Simmer 1 inch of water in a medium saucepot. Combine egg whites and sugar in a medium mixing bowl. Make a double boiler by placing the bowl with the egg mixture over the pot of simmering water. (Do not let the bottom of the bowl touch the water.) Whisk the egg mixture continously until it reaches 110°F, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat.
3. Whisk the mixture with an electric mixer until it is doubled in volume, about 5 to 7 minutes. The egg mixture should be glossy and hold a soft peak. Add the cheese mixture and beat just until smooth.
4. Cover the mixture with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to use.

I'm feeling old!

I've been watching 'I Love The 90's" on VH1 today, and it's kind of freaking me out...did you realize that Hanson's song "Mmm Bop" came out TEN years ago??!! Crazy, huh? Also, if anyone has Degrassi TNG season 3, can I borrow it???

Did I sound like a hag just then??

I just wanted to clear things up, mostly for myself. I love my husband a ridiculous amount of much. The end. He is fantastic in so, so many ways. Balancing life and love is not one of these, but I didn't mean to sound like I expect (or need) our anniversary to be the event of the millennium or, on the other end of the spectrum, Armageddon. I know whatever he has planned will be heart-song beautiful. Because I love him, and know that he loves me so deeply. I really never knew such unconditional love could radiate from one person to another as does his love for me. The crap he puts up with. The crap I put up with. But it all fades away when I can curl into his arms and fall asleep, with our cats at our feet, basking in the crazy radioactive love-glow that we give out.

I will be curling up in that position right about now...

He blitzed my heart

It will be a year next Monday. It seems impossibly short. I'm a married woman, which, for those who know me, is a bizarre statement in itself. That I've been married nearly a year is remarkable and trippy, let alone that no one has been killed or even maimed in that time.

I have this bitter tendency to build up events in my mind before they happen, which can sometimes lead to disappointment. This is an icky habit which i really need to work on; living in the moment and all that. That being said, I have mixed feelings about the event of my anniversary. I'm terribly excited, and am trying so hard not to build it up into this mythical event which nothing could live up to. Yet, i feel i have a right to want it to be fabulous. As usual, hubby has so many things going on that the event will be a one day deal, not a weekend getaway like we'd once talked about. See, he's taking the m-cats on August 5th, and is studying his cute little butt off. He said he would rather wait to take a mini camping trip or whatever we wanted to do until the test is over and done with, as he'll be so worried about it until then. Also, he thinks we'll be in negotiations over our condo we're trying to buy. I completely understand these concerns; that being said, there will always be something happening in this crazy life that attempts to interfere with the well-being of our relationship. Why not learn to block it out for a few moments, starting with this most momentous of occasions? huh? So I'm wrestling with being supportive and selfish, and trying to what's what. What's being supportive and what's ignoring my real desires? What's the difference between towing the party line and choking down my own life? I guess I have a week to figure it out- be happy with what I get, decide what's really important to speak up about, and love my husband unconditionally.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

I want to pick up and go. drive just to see where I end up. Sometimes I feel choked by all the obligations and expectations of life, and I want to revert to summers past, when I spent all day reading books in the perfectly-shaped-for-sitting V in my tree out front of our bungalow in Berwyn. All night running around the neighborhood barefooted playing Ghost in the Graveyard. I seem now to only have time for things I don't want to do, and all the spare time I have is spent doing things that make me feel schlubby, like watching cruddy television, endlessly surfing paparazzi websites, and eating. yuck! Why is my motivation to sit outside, wake up early and take a walk, or read a good book just not there lately? I think it's in part because I allow myself to become overwhelmed with the things I 'have' to do, such as working in the understaffed bakery and cleaning the house, and am too exhausted to do anything else but fritter away my brain cells. So if I could learn to stress less, I could spend more time enjoying the summer and my life in general.

My return.......

I promise to be better. for myself. I have a hideous scratch on my face and nose, along with some non-visible places, thanks to my cat Sid. It was my fault; when I tried to get him to come to bed with us last night (after spending almost 2 full days away from our boys!) I startled him and he leaped out of my arms like, well, a startled cat. So that's exciting...

How TCM changed my life

in Chicago, so I should really get a job as Turner Classic Movies' Cheerleader Extraordinaire. It is such a phenomenal idea, to have classic movies broadcasting all day and night without a single interruption. We don't have any revival theaters here in Champaign, and there are only a handful in Chicago. TCM is really my best opportunity to see films that I haven't heard of or will never see otherwise. I've spent the better part of today watching films that I recorded on my DVR (can I cheer for this invention too??!!) and cleaning. I could really do this all day, every day. Last night it was Mad Max and Lord of the Flies, this morning it was Cover Girl with Rita Hayworth, followed by The Petrified Forest and coffee with Bette Davis and Humphrey Bogart, in the role that got him recognized. I think I'll follow it with The Lady from Shanghai and pan-fried chicken for dinner, once Dave gets back from studying for his Math final. People are mowing outside so every once in a while I get pleasant drifts of fresh grass smell through the open door. All in all, a truly delightful day.

Dig it

So I'm finding myself in love with a variety of things and happenings at the moment, and have this burning desire to share them here.

• First of all, my favorite magazine in the whole wide world, Bitch, recently came out with its latest issue, and, as usual, I get all riled up when reading it and am currently bursting at the seams with feminist activist glory and love.
  
• Second, I've been reading Cunt: A Declaration of Independence, and it is a blessing of a book. As some may know but many may not, CUNT is a glorious word which we as women must reclaim for the glory it once stood for. It was once a term of ultimate respect and honor for priestesses, goddesses and the likes. Chew on that.
• Third, the Roger Ebert Overlooked Film Festival happening here in Chambana. I've seen Moolade, Sadie Thompson (the 1928 silent version, accompanied by LIVE music this showing!!!), and La Dolce Vida which Dave and I saw tonight as our "date night" event. I'm all hazy-eye and giddy over this chunk of delicious cinema that's currently in my life.
• Fourth, Dave's step-mom sent him a care package for finals week, which was basically an entire box stuffed with junk food. Glorious salty and sweet and crunchy and gooey yums for me to fill my voids with!

Barefoot in the Park

If you would like to know what me and my husband are like, watch this film. It's truly delicious! They love each other so incredibly much, yet are such total opposites, and hilarity ensues...let's see...she wants to walk barefoot in the park in February, and he doesn't want cold feet. She wants to have sex all day and he needs to go to work. She tries exotic cuisine, he shudders at the sight of it. She thinks her mother is always being critical of her, he thinks she's being loving. He's a "stuffed shirt," she's a free-wheeling something or other. He wants to be responsible, she wants to be frivolous. It's quite impressive, actually. Their love is as strong as, well, the strongest material you can think of. Just like us. Never two people more in love...

I hate killing bugs

Tuesday, April 17th 2007

So we've developed a bit of an ant problem in our kitchen. Not that we're ferocious slobs who attract infestations, but the little buggers seem to love our kitchen floor. So Sarah makes a call to the landlord, landlord makes a call to the exterminator, exterminator makes a call to Sarah, and an appointment is set. Voila! He came this morning with his tank full of delicious chemical water. Here's the conundrum. Despite their diminutive stature and lightning-quick life spans, I have always hated killing bugs. When I find any little more-than-four-legged creatures in my house, I always carefully carry them outside and release them into the great outdoors (earwigs and mosquitoes being the two exceptions). So I've been riddled with guilt over this whole ant killing business. The main reason Dave and I decided to go through with it was that we didn't want them to find their way to the cat food, which is, naturally, on the floor. So now I'm feeling guilty (damn Catholic guilt!) and sad. The little things will never make it back home to their nest; the battle was lost for them. Poor ants. But yay cats! Now their food won't start moving on its own!

Posted by sarah at 11:24 PM

Is it passe to call this a virgin post?

I've decided that if I'm to be serious about writing I need to start somewhere. That somewhere is here, mister worldwide web! Let's see if I can not be lazy and actually follow through with something, shall we??!! Onward and upward.

A revision

So I had to change the name of my blog due to stupidity on my part...BUT I copied the first two posts and will re-publish them here, at my NEW permanent blog!